Both my husband and I have mood and anxiety disorders that have not been fully treated. This presents a lot of problems when trying to maintain a healthy relationship and our own mental health.
I can’t find any support groups in Chicago and don’t know any couples where both persons have a mental illness (though to be honest, due to the few people I know, I don’t know any other couples). I haven’t been able to find any blogs talking about couples where both have been diagnosed, rather than just one partner. I’m still looking though.
I’ve made a “rule” that we can’t both be crazy at the same time. This is a joke and an observation. For months, we’ve been stuck in an awful cycle where one person will be upset, the other will get upset, and it’ll escalate quickly from there. This is why we searched for a couples counselor (again) and thankfully found the Family Institute that’s associated with Northwestern University. There, we pay $3 a session. We could have paid less, as low as $0 we were told, but I was embarrassed at the time about getting free services. Now I’d rather that I wasn’t so embarrassed. We’re going twice a week and our finances are more stressed. It doesn’t seem like we’ll be able to get the price lowered anytime soon.
I’m not a fan of counseling. It’s a very slow process and I feel that I’m insightful enough to understand what’s going on. My husband and I have always had excellent communication skills and are committed to our relationship. I view the problem as our both still having serious symptoms, especially myself.
When I’m feeling “off,” whether it be extremely depressed, moody, angry, on edge, or about to have a mood swing, it’s very hard for me to express support for the relationship because I’m either feeling really pessimistic or I’m trying to stave off a crying session.
A prime example of this was on Wednesday, our most recent session. Earlier in the day, while at the unemployment office, I was feeling so jittery that I couldn’t tolerate sitting around listening to information I already knew, and when I was told that I needed to stay in the room if I wanted to talk to someone, I sat down and cried despite being in a room full of people. That evening, I was singing song lyrics aloud and walking quicker than usual. I was aware of what was going to happen even before I got to the counseling appointment. I warned the therapist of how I was feeling while smiling stupidly at her. As I predicted, I went from smiling to feeling on the verge, to angry to depressed to crying while depressed. I ended up laying face down on the waiting room couch for over an hour and a half, waiting for the sadness to pass and the need to cry to stop. This is yet another cycle. My husband thinks I might have cyclothymia. All I know is that I want another mood stabilizer.
Being married to someone who is also mentally ill does have its upsides. It means not having to face stigma, having someone who understands what you’re feeling, and who has far greater tolerance than the average person for bizarre behavior and moods. We also better understand how to support one another and can monitor each other’s symptoms. It also means we face the same challenges in getting psychiatric treatment and can avoid blaming the other for being mentally ill.
Right now though, that tolerance is waning. I have a far lower threshold for freaking out when my husband gets upset and becomes irritable. Thankfully, this hasn’t happened in weeks. Now, I’m the problem and my husband is losing his tolerance for my moodiness and yelling hurtful things at him when I’m upset. I see the solution as more medications, that part of my behavior is beyond my control, especially because of the prevalence of black and white thinking. (For example, I think that the only option is either to yell at him when I’m upset or to wall him off and not talk to him at all.) This of course isn’t healthy.
I yearn for the times when we’re both feeling okay, when we can have a meal together, go out together without bickering, and can be agreeable to each other. When things are good, we don’t take the other’s sensitivity personally and can be affectionate and understanding. This is how it was when our relationship first started, I hope it be like that again, despite our financial hardships and stressors.
I do love you, babe. *mucho kissies and hugs*
July 5, 2009 at 9:57 am |
It’s good to hear that others are going through this as well. I have severe mood disorders and my husband, though functional, has nearly debilitating ADD. Unfortunately, due to my illness he has remained the family breadwinner, though I keep employed at odd jobs. It is imparitive that he take his medication or he simply can’t function. Due to the fact that we were under severe financial stress over the past year and not insured, I had to go off my medication as of last year in the hopes that he could take his and we would be able to stay with our heads just above water. Recently I was laid off and had to settle for a job I cannot stand and my moods have been completely insane. I resolved to seek treatment again only to find out that the funding was cut from the sliding scale clinic at St. Mary’s and they had closed my case, not only that but I would be unable to see an actual doctor till after September and have to pay the financial advisor for three visits ($90 a pop and no medication in sight). I’m not sure after all of this that I will be able to afford getting medicated agian. It’s infuriating how many hoops there are to jump through and though I am trying to seek help I keep hitting these walls either finacially or otherwise. It’s putting a huge strain on our marriage as I am either sucidal, catatonic, or boucing off the balls in any given day or given hour. Though my husband is insanely patient, I feel like I should run off and leave him in peace. I feel to much to handle for myself these days. I know this is not an option but I feel as though I am out of them. Perhaps the best thing to do would be to join a support group. I believe there is a free group led group out of Northwestern that meets up on Saturdays. Perhaps you should check it out as well. Good luck to you in the follow up. Keep your head up. Try to go easy on yourself (easier said than done I realize), and work you way up.
July 5, 2009 at 11:05 am |
I’m sorry to hear that you’re having such a difficult time. If you’re in Chicago, I highly suggest going to Stroger’s if you think you can handle the day-long wait because then the medications should be affordable. You can also try Old Irving Park Community Clinic where they offer services for free. I haven’t listed them on the blog yet because I haven’t fully researched them and don’t know the extent of their mental health services. NBC’s TV segment on them did mention that they try to help people get medications. Their number is 773-427-0298. Please let me know how it goes. Good luck!