Using Music to Understand Mental Illness

While most forms of mass media portray the experience of mental illness inaccurately, music tends to have a better track record, perhaps because it is based on the songwriters’ own experiences rather than what a corporate executive thinks will make money (though music isn’t always immune to this sort of influence).

I’m creating this post in hopes that it can be used by people with mental illness to feel less alone and also to better explain to friends what they’re experiencing.

Note: Personally, when depressed, I have a strong desire to listen to depressing music, which can sometimes make me feel far more depressed. If this happens to you as well, please carefully monitor your mood to avoid making it worse.

My husband and I have tried to go through the original list and take off as many of the songs that don’t seem to be related to mental illness. A look at the full list, with the deleted songs, would show just how little most people know about the true effects of mental illness.

Attribution: [L]ist of songs about mental illness. (2007, March 18). On Crazyboards.org. Retrieved 20:38, July 30, 2009, from http://www.crazyboards.org/forums/index.php?showtopic=22335. Text originally based on text from Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia (deleted page). Any songs that I’ve added to the original list are in bold. I haven’t listened to most songs on this list, because I simply don’t have the time.

0-9

* “19th Nervous Breakdown” by The Rolling Stones
[...]
* “4st 7lb” by Manic Street Preachers (about anorexia nervosa)
[...]

A

* “A Better Place, A Better Time” by Streetlight Manifesto (anti-suicide)
[...]
* “A Good Man Is Hard To Find” by Sufjan Stevens
[...]
* “About To Crash” by Dream Theater
* “Adam’s Song” by Blink 182 about Depression and Suicide – personal favorite
[...]
* “A Long December” by Counting Crows
* “Alcohol” by Barenaked Ladies
[...]
* “Another Stranger Me” by Blind Guardian
[...]

B

[...]
* “Basket Case” by Green Day (Billie Joe Armstrong’s song about his struggle with anxiety)
[...]
* “Be All, End All” by Anthrax (anti-suicide: “Be all, and you’ll be the end all, state of mind, euphoria”)
* “Bed Of Razors” by Children of Bodom
* “Beethoven (I Love to Listen to)” by Eurythmics (about obsessive-compulsive disorder)
[...]
* “Behind Blue Eyes” by The Who (“Nobody knows what it’s like, to be the bad man…”)
* “Behind Grey Walls” by Richard Thompson
* “Between A Laugh And A Tear” by John Mellencamp (anti-suicide: “and thats as good as it can get for us, and there aint no reason to stop tryin’”)
* “Beyond the Grey Sky” by 311
[...]
* “Bipolar” by Blonde Redhead
[...]
* “Bi-Polar” by Assemblage 23
* “Bi-Polar Bear” by Stone Temple Pilots
* “Bi-Polar Disorder” by The Lord Weird Slough Feg
* “Black Crow Blues” by Bob Dylan (bipolar protagonist, sometimes “too high to fall”, sometimes “so low, I don’t know if I can come up at all”)
[...]
* “Bleed American” by Jimmy Eat World
* “Bleed Like Me” by Garbage
[...]
* “Blood Makes Noise” by Suzanne Vega
* “Borderline” by Sufjan Stevens
* “Born To Lose” by Social Distortion
[...]
* “Brain Damage” by Pink Floyd (“the lunatic is in my head”; later receives a lobotomy, “you raise the blade, you make the change”)
* “Breakin’” by The Music
[...]
* “Brian Wilson” by Barenaked Ladies (narrator has bipolar disorder, compares himself to Brian Wilson)
[...]
* “Burning Herself” by Harry Chapin (song about a girl who burns herself with cigarettes)

C

[...]
* “Can You Believe It” by The Bolshoi
[...]
* “Carrying Cathy” by Ben Folds
* “Cars and Calories” by Saves the Day
* “Cherry Blossom Clinic” by The Move
* “Chronic Schizophrenia” by Wesley Willis
* “Cinderella Man” by Rush (about a man whose transition from poverty to wealth has made him manic depressive)
* “Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk” by Rufus Wainwright
* “Cocoon” by Assemblage 23
[...]
* “Coffee and Cigarettes” by Augustana
[...]
* “Compulsive Prep” by Mest
[...]
* “Courage” By Superchick about having an eating disorder
* “Cracking” by Suzanne Vega
* “Crackle And Drag” by Paul Westerberg
* “Crazy” by Barenaked Ladies
* “Crazy” by Gnarls Barkley
* “Crazy Man Michael” by Fairport Convention
* “Crazy Train” by Ozzy Osbourne (“Mental wounds still screaming, driving me insane, I’m goin’ off the rails on a crazy train”)
* “Cut” by Plumb is about self-harm.

D

[...]
* “Delusional” by Saves the Day (paranoia)
[...]
* “Depression” by Black Flag
* “Destroyer” by The Kinks (narrator has “paranoia, the destroyer”)
[...]
* “Ding Dong” by Nellie McKay
[...]
* “Dirty Knife” by Neko Case
* “Disconnected” by Rollins Band
* “Disorder” by Goldfinger
[...]
* “Down in It” by Nine Inch Nails (depression/bipolar: “I was up above it, now I’m down in it”)
[...]
* “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde” by The Who (analogy made in discussing alcoholism; “When I drink my potion, my character changes”)

E

* “Ease Your Feet In The Sea” by Belle & Sebastian
[...]
* “Ellsworth” by Rascal Flatts (about Alzheimer’s)
[...]
* “Emergency Exit” by Beck (suicide)
[...]
* “Escape” by Muse
* “Evaporated” by Ben Folds Five
* “Escher” by Teenage Fanclub
[...]
* “Everybody Hurts” by R.E.M. (told from the point of view of someone comforting a friend who is suicidal)
* “Everybody Knows That You Are Insane” by Queens of the Stone Age
* “Everything For Free” by K’s Choice
* “Everything is Alright” by Motion City Soundtrack
[...]

F

[...]
* “Fire and Rain” by James Taylor (recovery from depression)
[...]
* “Fix Me” by Rise Against
[...]
* “Flying High Again” by Ozzy Osbourne
* “Free Fall” by In Flames
[...]

G

[...]
* “Get in Line” by Barenaked Ladies (paranoia)
* “Girl Anachronism” by The Dresden Dolls (suicide)
[...]
* “God of Wine” by Third Eye Blind
[...]
* “Gone” by Bouncing Souls
* “Gotta Get Away” by The Offspring
* “Grey Street” by Dave Matthews Band
[...]

H

[...]
* “Heimdalsgate Like a Promethean Curse” by Of Montreal
[...]
* “Hey Foxymophandlemama, Thats Me” by Pearl Jam (includes recorded statements from real patients in a mental hospital)
* “Hey, Hey, I’m Down” by puressence
* “Hey Man Nice Shot” by Filter
* “Hold on” by Good Charlotte (personal favorite – anti-suicide)
* “Hold on” by Kim Wilde
* “Holy” by The Golden Palominos
[...]
* “Hurt” by Nine Inch Nails and covered by Johnny Cash (drug addiction and guilt)
[...]

I

[...]
* “I’ll Be That Girl” by Barenaked Ladies
[...]
* “I Think I’m Gonna Kill Myself” By Elton John (suicide)
[...]
* “Into the Ocean” by Blue October (suicidal ideation)
[...]

J

[...]
* “Japanese Gum” by Her Space Holiday (The girl mentioned in “Japanese Gum” has Borderline Personality Disorder, and the boy mentioned is someone that desperately wants to help her.)
* “Jeremy” by Pearl Jam (personal favorite – can be triggering)
[...]
* “Jugband Blues” by Pink Floyd
* “Jump They Say” by David Bowie
* “Jumper” by Third Eye Blind

K

(none)

L

* “Largactyl” by Amebix
* “Last Resort” by Papa Roach
* “Last Straw” by Jack’s Mannequin
* “Lean On Me (I Won’t Fall Over)” by Carter The Unstoppable Sex Machine
[...]
* “Lithium” by Evanescence
* “Lithium” by Nirvana
[...]
* “Longview” by Green Day
* “Loaded Gun” by The Reverend Horton Heat (suicide – may be triggering)
* “Loose Lips” by Kimya Dawson (personal favorite)
[...]
* “Lucky” by Britney Spears
* “Lucy at the Gym” by Jill Sobule

M

[...]
* “Mad World” by Tears for Fears (I prefer the version by Gary Jules – personal favorite, depression)
* “Major Tom” by Peter Schilling
* “Make Me Bad” by Korn
[...]
* “Manic Depression” by Jimi Hendrix – This song describes both the euphoric highs associated with creating music (“Music, sweet music/I wish I could caress”) as well as the desperation and suicidal tendencies perhaps associated with mixed states (“Really ain’t no use in me hanging around”).
* “Mary Jane” By Alanis Morissette (depression)
* “Mary Jo” by Belle & Sebastian
[...]
* “Meds” by Placebo
* “Medication” by Garbage
* “Medication” by Modest Mouse
[...]
* “Medicine Bottle” by Red House Painters
* “Melancholia” by The Who
[...]
* “Memory Lane” by Elliott Smith
* “Mental” by Eels
[...]
* “Modern Chemistry” by Motion City Soundtrack
[...]
* “Monster” by The Automatic
[...]
* “Mother” by The Police
* “Mother Stands for Comfort” by Kate Bush – The song is about a madman finding comfort in his mother. The lyrics “Make me do this, make me do that…” are about the voices in his head.
* “Mother’s Little Helper” by The Rolling Stones – This song is about Valium addiction.
* “Mr. Self-Destruct” by Nine Inch Nails
[...]

N

[...]
* “Narcolepsy” by Ben Folds Five
* “Narcolepsy” by Third Eye Blind
[...]
* “Natalie Marie and 1cc” by The Spill Canvas
[...]
* “Night and Day” by The Good Life – Discusses self-harm, specifically cutting
* “Nightminds” by Missy Higgins (bipolar)
* “No Place For You” by Paul Westerberg (suicidal ideation)
* “No Rain” by Blind Melon
* “No Self-Control” by Peter Gabriel
* “Nobody Home” by Pink Floyd
* “Not an addict” by K’s Choice (personal favorite)
* “Not There” by James
[...]

O

[...]
* “Outburst” by Wesley Willis
* “Out of Mind” by The Cure
* “Out of Mind” by Queensrÿche from Promised Land (album)
* “Out of My Depth” by Everclear
* “Out The Window” by Violent Femmes
[...]
* “Overkill” by Men at Work (personal favorite)

P

[...]
* “Panic Attack” by Dream Theater
[...]
* “Perfect Blue Buildings” by The Counting Crows
[...]
* “Poem” by Taproot
[...]

Q

(none)

R

* “Rainy Day in June” by The Kinks
* “Rainy Day Parade” by Jill Sobule
[...]
* “River Man” by Nick Drake
* “Rope Ends” by Pain of Salvation (suicide)
* “Roses In The Hospital” by Manic Street Preachers
* “Round Here” by Counting Crows
[...]

S

* “Sad Lisa” by Cat Stevens (depression)
[...]
* “Scars & Stitches” by Guster
[...]
* “Schizophrenic Conversations” by Staind
* “Seasick, Yet Still Docked” by Morrissey
[...]
* “Shadow Creator” by Skyfire
[...]
* “She Misses Him” by Tim Rushlow (about Alzheimer’s Disease)
* “She’s Falling Apart by Lisa Loeb
* “She’s Got Issues” by The Offspring
[...]
* “She’s Lost Control” by Joy Division
* “Shine On You Crazy Diamond” by Pink Floyd
* “Shooting Star” by Harry Chapin
* “Sick” by Lagwagon
[...]
* “Six Degrees of Inner Turbulence” by Dream Theater (bipolar disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder, schizophrenia, autism, post-partum depression, and dissociative identity disorder)
[...]
* “Sleepless” by King Crimson
[...]
* “Someone Saved My Life Tonight” by Elton John
* “So Nice, So Smart” by Kimya Dawson (personal favorite
[...]
* “Soul to Squeeze” by Red Hot Chili Peppers
[...]
* “Stan” by Eminem (dangerous obsession)
[...]
* “Steven” by Senses Fail
[...]
* “Still Life” by Iron Maiden
* “Stockholm Syndrome” by Muse
[...]
* “Sucked Out” by Superdrag
[...]
* “Suicide Solution” by Ozzy Osbourne
* “Sunny Skies” by James Taylor
* “Sunrise, Sunset” by Bright Eyes
[...]
* “Sweetest Perfection” by Depeche Mode
* “System” by In Flames

T

* “Take Me Home” by Phil Collins
* “Take This Life” by In Flames
* “Teenage Depression” by Eddie & The Hot Rods
[...]
* “The Becoming” by Nine Inch Nails
[...]
* “The Enemy Is You” by Elliott Smith
* “The Final Cut” by Pink Floyd
[...]
* “The Gash” by The Flaming Lips
* “The Glass Prison” by Dream Theater
[...]
* “The Test That Stumped Them All” by Dream Theater
* “The Trial” by Pink Floyd
[...]
* “Things Have Changed” by Bob Dylan
[...]
* “Today” by The Smashing Pumpkins
* “Tomorrow Tomorrow” by Elliott Smith
[...]
* “Too Much On My Mind” by The Kinks
[...]
* “Try Not to Breathe” by R.E.M.
* “Twisted” by Joni Mitchell
* “Two Points for Honesty” by Guster

U

* “Uncorrected Personality Traits” by Robyn Hitchcock and the Egyptians
[...]
* “Unwell” by Matchbox Twenty
[...]

V

* “Various Stages” by Great Lake Swimmers
[...]
* “Vincent” by Don McLean
[...]

W

* “War on Drugs” by Barenaked Ladies
* “War Inside My Head” by Dream Theater
[...]
* “Weep for Jamie” by Peter, Paul and Mary
[...]
* “When I Fall” by Barenaked Ladies
[...]
* “Who Can It Be Now?” by Men at Work
* “Why Does It Always Rain On Me?” by Travis
[...]
* “Withdrawn” by James
[...]

Y

[...]
* “You Gotta Be Crazy” by Pink Floyd
* “You Knew Me To The End” by Geri Karlstrom
[...]
* “Your Evil Soul” by The Spill Canvas
[...]

Z

[...]

I will be updating this post over time. If you have any songs you’d like me to add, please leave a comment. If there are songs that you think don’t belong here, please tell me which ones and why. Thanks!

Medicaid, Disability, and Mental Illness

We finally got Medicaid!!!

To be exact, we each got a “temporary card” today (really a sheet of paper) today in the mail.

Damn thing took three months to get. It should’ve taken a max of two months.

Here’s the process we went through:

It took 30 days to be considered a resident of Illinois. After the 30 days had passed and we got our State ID’s updated, we went to the local HFS office.

Though there was next to no one waiting, we sat there for over half an hour. There were actually signs up saying that if you had waiting over an hour, see the person at the front desk again.

There only seemed to be two counselors working. The guy we got was wearing a white t-shirt with the Puerto Rican flag on it. I remember this because I was so appalled that someone representing the government was dressed this way. A polo would’ve been fine, but a t-shirt?

His attire was indicative of how professional he was. While he was polite, he wasn’t very informed. We asked for the manager. The manager was properly dressed but was actually there temporarily so he wasn’t sure of all the procedures. With my husband, they found a section online that stated that eligibility for Medicaid wasn’t solely based on income and savings. We weren’t expecting this as my husband qualified for Medicaid in another state based on his finances.

However, it did list disability, including diabetes. I figured that part of the rationale for this might be while you can work if you have diabetes, you probably would not be able to if you didn’t have your medication because it could kill you. I asked if mental illness qualified as a disability. The manager, while empathetic, didn’t know, but agreed to set up a doctor’s appointment with us so we could complete our application.

Our doctor’s appointment was the next week. This appointment is for the doctor to evaluate you and is required as part of the application process. We were assured that whether you are accepted or not, we wouldn’t have to pay for the visit.

Surprisingly, we were taken on time and the appointment was very simple. Height, weight, vision test, and medical history. During the medical history, we stressed the severity of our mental illnesses and our hospitalizations. While the doctor said she had no part in making the decision if we were eligible based on disability, we got the feeling that we probably qualified as disabled under the Medicaid system. While I don’t think of myself as disabled, in the health insurance sense, without my medications I can’t hold down a job. Hell, it could potentially be deadly for me to not have my medications.

Now began the waiting process. We were pretty certain that we were told it should take four to six weeks or six to eight weeks. My husband called to check on our application but were told that it was “being processed.” In the meantime, we had been rejected by over five different health insurance companies due to our “height and weight.” However, I met a woman at Stroger who was rejected for the same reason, even though her BMI would likely qualify her as overweight or borderline obese. Either way, there was no way I could get to that woman’s weight. At the same time, I doubt we would’ve been accepted anyway.

Eventually, we turned to our State Senator. Wonder of wonders, when her office called Medicaid, they called her back the very next day. She missed the call and her office had to call them a few more times, but in less than two weeks, we got our “temporary card.” Once we get our actual cards, I’m going to send her a handmade thank you card.

Overall, I highly recommend those with serious mental illness to apply for Medicaid and say that they’re disabled. Be open with the doctor as to how your mental illness interferes with your life and ability to function and bring all your medications to stress the point. (Just don’t lose them!) If you need help with the application, then bring someone you trust with you. If you don’t hear back, try your local politician and vote vote vote!

Please let me know if you or someone you know with a serious mental illness tried for Medicaid and how things went as well as the state. I live in Illinois.

Exit Interview and Therapy

We were supposed to go in for our exit interview today with our couples therapist. After a long discussion, my husband decided he didn’t want to continue with her for individual, nor did he want to go to the appointment. I didn’t want to go to the appointment either so I called and canceled it.

When the therapist called back, she wanted to know what we didn’t like about the therapy and I told her that we didn’t like how it was unstructured and each session jumped from mini-crisis to mini-crisis without anything being resolved. I also babbled on about what I was hoping for in a future therapist. She’s supposed to call us in the next day or so to tell us if there’s a waiting list for getting another couples therapist.

I’m glad we were able to avoid the formal exit interview as I didn’t see the point of it. We weren’t graduating from therapy and weren’t making a sudden decision. It also allowed us to catch Jeopardy and Cops. Bonding time is important.

On Choosing a Therapist

Another great post by therapydoc:

Choosing a Therapy Doc, Or Is That A Dodo Bird?

[...]

Bottom line? If you don’t feel a connection with your therapist after the second visit, if you don’t feel you can relate, then you probably should discuss it to see why you may not make a good team. There isn’t a therapist on earth who relates to everyone, and that’s as it should be.

Now. Armed with that very limited treatment overview, that first phone call should go as follow:

Patient: Hi, I got your name from ________ and wondered if you were taking new patients.

Therapist: Sure, but first, very briefly, tell me what you’re looking for.

Then the patient provides a brief summary of the problem, i.e., I want to save my marriage, or I lost my mother, or My wife if cheating on me, or My kid is thirty and won’t leave home, that sort of thing. Whatever it is. Brief.

The therapist then hopefully responds with an empathetic remark, like, Oh, dear. That must not feel so good. Let me see what I have for you, see if our schedules match up, if I can get you in. When did you want to come in? What day/time is best for you?

IT DOESN’T HAVE TO BE ANY MORE COMPLICATED THAN THAT.

Then, at the set appointment time, the patient discusses the problem and the goals and objectives of the therapy, assuming that these are actually important to him. Sometimes they’re not. Sometimes people really do just want to talk, and talk, for weeks and months, indefinitely, and that’s fine, too.

But if a patient has something in mind, certain goals to accomplish, the therapist should somehow communicate that these can be accomplish. The therapist should have a clue as to how. Because face it, the patient doesn’t.

It’s like a first and second date. You really don’t have to see a person a second or third time if you know, deep down, that it’s not a good fit. ….”

I’ve stayed with the couple’s therapist that I don’t like for so long because I didn’t feel that we really had an option to change the therapist, since we don’t have insurance. That, and my husband felt she was helping him.

However, I don’t have a lot of patience for psychiatrists that I don’t feel are competent and professional. I intend to request a different psychiatrist at Stroger. While she seemed to know what she was talking about, I felt she wasn’t really listening to me, and I need the doctor to do that if they’re going to provide truly effective medications.

Perhaps I should be switching therapists faster like therapydoc recommends. Part of the problem though is that therapists generally are resistant to this. I get the sense that they feel you’re avoiding therapy if you “don’t give it a chance.” Perhaps this is just in my head from reading too many books. Then again, why was I asked to submit to an exit interview? Another problem is the hassle of going through intakes and having to spend a session or two introducing myself every time I get a new therapist. At least with a psychiatrist, you can do a general history and then discuss your current symptoms.

Still, when we had insurance I’d call up therapists and do a phone interview like therapydoc describes. If I didn’t like their answers (or in more cases didn’t like their secretaries, since I rarely go through to the therapist) I moved onto the next person. Most people say they’re eclectic, and sure they can help you with XYZ (which I personally don’t believe), and pressing them with specifics didn’t usually work.

Another problem that the author doesn’t mention is going to a center where multiple therapists work. In that case, you’re assigned a therapist, rather than you getting to pick one. The assignment is more likely to be based on how your schedules mesh rather than how you may feel about the therapist (so long as you don’t make specific requests like wanting a male or female). The upside of this is that if you don’t like your therapist, you can at least potentially switch to another one without having do a full intake and thus save yourself another co-pay.

Please feel free to comment.

Comment on “The D Word” by therapydoc

Reading the post by therapydoc in her blog EVERYONE NEEDS THERAPY titled “The D Word” it was interesting to see that the situation with my husband isn’t all that different from other people’s, despite our both having mental illnesses.

Her advice also rings true. I wasn’t told by any therapist to say “I’m sorry. I love you.” but it certainly does help wind things down. “Sorry” means that you didn’t mean to be malicious, that you acknowledge you hurt someone. “I love you” reaffirms your interest in making things work.

At least in my marriage, many of our fears are about the other person losing interest in maintaining the relationship and becoming tired of their partner.

It seems so simple, but it does take some self-control to muster the ability to stop yelling and insulting, and to try to be nice when deeply hurt during an argument.

And yes, we’ve both claimed we wanted divorce. And it hurts not just to hear it, but to say it as well.

From “The D Word”:

“Let’s assume, however, that no one’s been divorced yet, and everyone is still chipping away at the relationship and themselves, peddling as fast as possible in marital therapy. At some point in the middle phase of therapy, in the thick of the marriage, deep into conflict and avoidance, it is likely that one or both will not see any light at the end of the tunnel, despite the therapist’s well intentions.

One of the partners is confident, actually, that this marriage is unbearable, unfixable, and might say:

You have to change or I want a divorce. Something’s gotta’ give, and it’s you.

And the recipient of that good news will say: YOU have to change.

And partner #1 shoots back: I’m this way because of you.

And the wheels go round and round.

[...]

And one says, often, unfortunately, “I want a divorce,” but may do absolutely nothing about it, because inside it isn’t what is truly desired.

You want successful relationships, and if you’ve been married many years and have children, really want things to work.

You want things to work so even though you’re complaining, you never get that lawyer, or if you do it is to spend your hard-earned money just to tell him,

“I’ll think about it.”

But the damage is done. As soon as you threaten with the D word, certainly if you do it over and over again, a partner’s abandonment issues are lit. That part of the brain that says, FAILURE! LOSER! lights up.

[...]

Thus once the abandonment nerve is triggered with the D word, our most primitive defenses kick in. No longer will we risk intimacy. No longer will we come closer, tell a wounded partner, “I’m sorry. I know you’re miserable. I shouldn’t have said that. Let’s talk. Let’s work it out. I love you.”

How can you say that when you might get kicked in the head? You might hear, “Well, I HATE you and I wish I had never married you!”

Oy.

Once the D-word is out, there’s no taking it back. It’s out. And it comes out again, and again, and again, because without that bravado that comes with commitment, the other will not say, , “I’m sorry. I know you’re miserable. I shouldn’t have said that. Let’s talk. Let’s work it out. I love you.”

But that has to be said. I’m sorry. Just say that. Get over it, that fear of getting kicked in the head. Move in, not away, and assert, assert, assert. Pronounce the confidence you have in your problem-solving matter, the confidence you don’t have, but should have, and melt that miserable partner of yours with kindness. Keep any criticism out of your tone (you really can do this, you know, edit not only your words, but your tone), and kill with kindness.

No, it won’t always work. The partner who is already involved with someone else may not want you. It’s true. Once you taste other fruit, eating cantaloupe every day is not the same. On the other hand, if you only had cantaloupe, you really would be fine, you know.”

Psychiatric Clinic at Stroger

My husband and I arrived on time for our 8am psychiatric appointment at Stroger. We were out in 2 and a half hours. Waiting to drop off our prescriptions at the pharmacy took another hour.

We signed in, filled out a little paperwork, and waited to be called by a student. The student took our psychiatric histories, AGAIN. I can only hope that Obama’s call for electronic healthcare records will dissuade doctors from doing this. If you’re trying to see how I’ve been feeling in the past few weeks, that’s fine, but to ask my whole history and medications? At least the student I was talking to was cute and friendly. Though it would’ve been a bit more reassuring if he could spell my medications correctly.

Eventually we were each called in to see a psychiatrist. Mine, while competent, wasn’t that good at listening. This is where being an advocate for yourself comes in. She wanted to stop one of my medications because she was concerned about the side effects. However, in the 9+ months months I’ve been on the medication, I’ve never had those side effects. Plus, the medication she wanted to replace it with has been found to have severe side effects, some of which can become permanent.

I’m also unhappy with her, as she scheduled my next appointment for three months from now, when I should be able to raise one of my current medications in two months. Bleh. My husband has his next appointment in a month.

Unfortunately, my psychiatrist also refused to give me refills on my non-psychiatric medications because, as multiple staff members told me, I’d have to see a primary care physician or another medical doctor for that. To get one, I’d have to go to the walk-in clinic and get assigned a doctor. Still, I don’t know why the doctor we saw on our first visit to Stroger didn’t just give me refills.

However, my husband was able to get new prescriptions for his non-psychiatric medications. What gives?

Animal Shelter A: Now That’s Just Rude

Despite the problems I’ve had with attempting to volunteer at Shelter A’s further location, I stopped in the adoption center close to me.

When I tried to sign up to volunteer, the person at the front desk said that she was instructed to have me talk to the volunteer coordinator first. Great, just great. I told the front desk person “nevermind” and that I’d just go check out the animals without formally volunteering. What really bothered me is that I hadn’t given her anything with my name on it. It’s possible that she could’ve memorized my name from all the times that I’ve been there, but it was still a bit disturbing.

After seeing a dog I thought was interesting, I went to the front desk again to ask for details on the dog. Either I or my husband does this every time we find a dog that we’re interested in. Again, without looking up my name and barely scanning the dog’s file, she says that the dog is probably not the right one for me. Excuse me? Neither she nor anyone else at the front desk has ever said this to me until after answering my questions about the dog. As an adult, I think I can make my own informed decisions.

She then brought up an incident from over two months ago, where we adopted a dog that turned out to be very different from how the dog was in the shelter and her behavioral description. From that experience I learned to never adopt a dog wearing a cone as the dog’s behavior and disposition when recovering from surgery might be radically different from when the dog is healed. We returned the dog and got a refund, and she was readopted two days later and has been with that family ever since. It’s also common for people to bring back cats and dogs that don’t work out. I’ve seen several animals come back myself. It’s part of the adoption process. That’s why any reputable shelter or rescue group should give you the option of returning an animal if serious problems arise.

This was the first time that anyone had brought up the incident. I felt like she was passing judgment on me because of whatever the adoption counselor told her. I pressed on by asking about separation anxiety. She said that the dog was found to be anxious and I said that was good enough. (I don’t want a dog with separation anxiety; I don’t have the facilities or time to work with a dog that has that problem.)

I asked her if I was on an adoption block list. (During dog training, we were told that there was a list of people not permitted to adopt animals, such as known dog fighters.) She said “no.” I hope she’s telling the truth and that I’m not wasting my time looking for a dog there.

It’s really absurd that one person, who I’ve never met, is able to interfere this much, even in unrelated areas. Why is the volunteer coordinator disrupting my ability to adopt when none of the “complaints” against me indicated that I’d be a bad pet parent?

Rather than ruminate, I went to spend time with the cats. Because cats were letting me brush them and separate out their mats, as well as climbing into my lap, a volunteer commented that the cats really liked me and that I should volunteer. How ironic.

Dependency and Changing Therapists

I’ve come to strongly dislike our couples therapist.

I wasn’t fond of her from the start as I’m biased against skinny, blond, pretty women. What can she have in common with a big homely girl like me? We wouldn’t have had the same life experiences. And surprise, surprise, she doesn’t have a mental illness, though someone in her family does. Nor is she married and the lack of any ring tells me she’s not engaged. I didn’t press her with further questions like if she at least had a live-in boyfriend (or girlfriend). She’s also dresses in clothes and goes to a school I could never hope to afford. She also mainly does individual counseling. Bleh.

I don’t think she gets me at all and that there’s any rapport. In the past couple of sessions, I feel that she’s been acting like I’m a bad guy. The breaking point was yesterday (Monday) when she pressed me on why I was against my husband being away for four months to participate in a drug trial located in Maryland. She couldn’t seem to get the idea that I don’t want to be away from him for FOUR months. That I don’t have anyone else in Chicago and so I’d be all alone. Or even that we couldn’t financially afford it unless I got a subletter as he wouldn’t be paid for the study. (And remember, we live in a one bedroom apartment.) We’re both unemployed with little savings left and I bitch about the money it costs to attend the sessions (as it’s often the only time we go out that day). She also had the audacity, for at least the third session in a row, to start by asking if I really wanted to be there just because I was grouchy-looking. I’m giving up over three hours of my time and $14 just to attend a 50 minute session and she dares to keep asking if I want to be there?! This says even more that she simply doesn’t understand my situation.

My husband wants to participate in the four-months-long inpatient study as it’s testing an unapproved medication, which early trials suggest may be helpful to him whereas other medications have failed to alleviate all his symptoms. No approved medication contains the chemicals that might make the experimental drug effective. However, realistically, even if the medication is successful, due to the fact that it’s classified as a highly controlled substance, it’s unlikely that he would be able to continue it after the study is over and it’ll be years before the entire FDA approval process is over.

Whether or not it’s selfish and wrong of me to deny him the chance to try to find something that works is debatable. Unfortunately, it’s a zero sum game. While I could suck it up and try to handle one month apart, I know I can’t do four. If the study was close enough that I could visit regularly, I could perhaps handle the four months, especially if we were still living with my parents where we paid very little rent and had people to take care of the cats.

I would’ve liked to use the session to talk about my dependency issues. Instead the therapist focused on me and why I couldn’t convince myself to be okay with his being away, suggesting that she already supported him and thought I was wrong. Wtf? Isn’t she supposed to be unbiased?

I also don’t like her style. I’ve told her that I’d like a therapist that’s a bit more forceful and says what they think is going on, rather than the “how do you feel?” bullshit. While this may seem to be a contradiction of what I just wrote, to me it’s not. I guess I’d like a therapist to be more like a friend that prods you along and calls you out when you’re bullshitting, only they also know what they’re talking about and know how to safely play devil’s advocate.

My husband, however, likes her style and feels she’s helping him. After a long conversation, the conclusion was for him to see her for individual and for us to request a different couples therapist. As expected, when told this earlier today, the therapist said she wants one last session since she “can’t do therapy over the phone.” (I don’t see how there’s therapy involved; I’ve already made up my mind that I don’t like her.) Unfortunately, she said that we’d be assigned a therapist based on who was available, rather than what our preferences are. I’ve only seen one therapist in the office who didn’t look like she could be my therapist’s sister, and that’s because he’s male. I’d just like someone normal sized who’s in a committed relationship, male or female. We’ll have to see what happens though.

Bye “Critter”

Earlier today we brought our foster son, “Critter,’ back to Shelter E. We were supposed to bring him back in early August but instead we only kept him for a week and a half.

When I picked him up, I was told that he bit, and to blow in his face and he’d stop. Problem is, he didn’t stop. He was a single kitten and had to be kept separate until he could be medically cleared. This meant he had no other feline to play with or to teach him kitty manners. He bit while playing or when he wanted to play. He got our hands, our ankles, and would jump at our legs and bite there.

I talked to Shelter E’s behaviorist and learned that some of the things I was trying to do were probably making the problem worse and that I didn’t have the space needed to correct the problem. Since blowing in his face wasn’t working, when he too excited, I should’ve been giving him “time out.” Instead, I tried distracting him with toys, as I wasn’t able to leave the room whenever he started biting (we had him in the bathroom). She said this was rewarding his unwanted behavior. Damn. I felt like an idiot.

In the end, he needed to be in a place where someone could give him a proper “time out” for 45 minutes to an hour by removing all stimuli (like leaving him alone). I simply did not have the room to do this in a one-bedroom apartment.

The person in charge of fostering said that returning “Critter” early wouldn’t prevent me from fostering future kittens as they knew that he was a special case. I hope she’s telling the truth, especially since while I was at the shelter, at least three people called in trying to place kittens/cats and were told Shelter E was full and that if all the no-kill shelters were full, they’d have to contact a kill shelter.

Sadly, he was still biting and scrambling about when I tried to cuddle him and kiss him before returning him. I did get some cute pictures though.

Now the bathroom has to be cleaned up and sanitized for my cats/future foster kittens. I don’t think I can do it though as the reminders of him are making me tear up.

I miss him. I hope he finds a good permanent home with a nice playmate.

Preparing for a Career in Social Work

In 2006 my husband and I traveled abroad. One of the places we went was Copenhagen, the capital of Denmark.

There I saw something remarkable, and it wasn’t a tourist attraction. A homeless man was slouched by the side of a stone building. People, including myself, walked by as if he was invisible, but carefully so as not to wake him. Behind us, a woman stopped, bent down, and started talking to him. I was surprised as I’ve never seen this kind of interaction before. I assumed she must have been a social worker and that this behavior was specific to Scandinavia because of their strong social security net.

As I think more about a career related to social work and mental illness, I’ve been challenging my own stereotypes of homeless people. Like mentally ill people, they’re stereotyped as being dangerous and less than human. Like poor people in general, other stereotypes include that they’re destitute because of their own poor decision making, and that they’re poor because of addictions to substances like alcohol and illegal drugs. In addition, if they’re a racial or ethnic minority, they are affected by these stereotypes as well.

Research, of course, disagrees with common stereotypes. Homeless people are no more dangerous than the average population. While they may be mentally ill and/or have a substance abuse problem (it’s well-known that as treatment facilities close, more people are being pushed onto the streets; this has been going on for decades), they’re still human and deserve help. In addition, one of the fastest growing populations of homeless people is families, due to lack of affordable housing and other economic stressors.

Over time, I’ve been trying to make amends. If I have extra food, and see someone on the street, I offer it to them, even if it’s leftovers. If they’re sleeping, as they often were on the NYC subway, I’d leave it on top their belongings. After I went through Times Square on New Year’s to collect discarded items, I gave away all the usable goods I found. When I couldn’t find any more people to give them to individually, I left a large bundle of forgotten blankets, gloves, and hats in a station where we’ve seen homeless people sleeping on other nights. (It’s likely that they weren’t in the area at that time because of the huge crowds and/or the heavy police presence.)

While I’ve had people turn down food, none have been aggressive towards me. Most, in fact, were reticent.

Today I saw a woman at a bus shelter surrounded by tall piles of miscellaneous items that I assumed were her own. The sight was strange for several reasons. First, it’s not an area where I’ve seen homeless people before, nor are there shelters or residences nearby. Also, the discernible items were plastic children’s chairs and toys, even though she was alone. How she got there with all of that stuff I don’t know.

In addition, she wore an orange hospital admittance bracelet and was unwilling to board buses because they stopped six feet from where she wanted them to pull over.

Unfortunately, she turned down all my offers of help, including calling someone for her and calling wherever she was headed to, which she didn’t seem to know.

Unable to think of anything else, I called 311 and gave a detailed description of what was going on. Thankfully, the woman who answered said she’d notify the Department of Social Services which would send someone out to offer her shelter. However, she said that the response time would be two hours or more. As the weather was good and it didn’t seem like the homeless woman was going to leave her spot, I hope she was able to receive help.